[transcript]
Johnny: . . . . . and this is my co-host, Johnny Doorknob.
Dangerous Don: This is my co-host, Johnny Doorknob. You folks have probably heard the name Dangerous Don. I happen to be one of the greatest stock-market investors of all time. And I think we can all agree, Johnny Doorknob is the go-to guy in the Scranton financial community.
Johnny: Thanks, Don. And I understand you’ve got a bit of good news!
Dangerous Don: That’s right, Johnny. Believe it or not, I got myself a job! A real day job!
Tana Marie: Wonders never cease.
Dangerous Don: Folks, that lovely voice you just heard was my lovely wife, Tana Marie.
Johnny: So. . . . . tell us about your new job.
Dangerous Don: I’m now officially the chief investment advisor of a 401(k).
Johnny: Congratulations!
Dangerous Don: Thanks, Johnny. Terrific 401(k) plan. Covers all the employees of a good little company here in Scranton. Misery Loves, Inc. Really solid folks, solid reputation. They make all kinds of antique furniture.
Johnny: Congratulations!
Dangerous Don: Thanks, Johnny. Terrific 401(k) plan. Covers all the employees of a good little company here in Scranton. Misery Loves, Inc. Really solid folks, solid reputation. They make all kinds of antique furniture.
Johnny: Know them well. So. . . . . those guys know how to turn a buck, right?
Dangerous Don: Doing very well for themselves, thank you! Got about 150 employees in their factory. And now, guess what? I’m the Man with the Plan! The Man in charge of each employee's financial future!
Johnny: I have. . . . . mixed emotions.
Tana Marie: You’re going to be changing all their investments, right? Moving over to your MACHO INVESTING style, right?
Dangerous Don: Took the words right outta my mouth! I’ve got a thousand ideas!
Johnny: No offense, but somehow I’m glad I’m not an employee of this company.
Dangerous Don: One mutual fund I definitely want all of my employees to get into is Tajikistan Derivatives Institutional. What a great fund! A home-run that really brings home the bacon!
Tana Marie: Holy mixed metaphors, Batman!
Tana Marie: Holy mixed metaphors, Batman!
Johnny: Why a home-run?
Dangerous Don: Making bets against Tajiks is like stealing candy from a baby! You know what? Tajiks always lose! They are the unluckiest people on Earth. In their entire 2,000-year history, the Tajiks have lost every single bet they ever made.
Johnny: Ahhh. . . . . . almost afraid to ask. . . . . what kind of bets does this Derivatives Fund make?
Dangerous Don: You name it. Are oil prices going to go up or down? Silver futures. Greek bonds. The Super Bowl. American Idol. Flip of a coin. Who cares? With derivatives, you can bet on anything. One thing for sure -- Tajiks will always make a beeline for the losing side of any bet. It’s their nature.
Johnny: So. . . . this, ahhh, Derivatives Fund. . . . like, what kind of track record do they have? How long have they been around?
Dangerous Don: About two months now. Buddy of mine set it up.
Johnny: So. . . . there’s no track record.
Dangerous Don: Not important. What’s important is the 2,000-year track record of the Tajiks. They never win!
Johnny: Heck, they sound like me. . . . . .
Dangerous Don: That's the whole name of the game in finance today.
Johnny: What?
Dangerous Done: You search the world, looking for folks who are unlucky. Just naturally unlucky. Born losers.
Johnny: And then. . . . . ?
Dangerous Don: You sign them up! Get them to sign some kind of credit default swap. Get them to bet against you.
Johnny: How do you get them to sign?
Dangerous Don: Tell them they're "sophisticated investors". Some kind of garbage like that.
Johnny: Anybody called me a "sophisticated investor" and I'd check my wallet. Make sure it's still there.
Dangerous Don: Fortunately for the industry, for every street-smart guy like yourself, there's fifty idiots.
Johnny: That bad?
Dangerous Don: That good! There's so much Stupid Money out there, it's unreal! The SEC ought to just give up. Throw in the towel.
Johnny: Throw in the towel?
Dangerous Don: Deep in their guts, these people want to be cheated. No point trying to protect them.
Johnny: Heck, they sound like me. . . . . .
Dangerous Don: That's the whole name of the game in finance today.
Johnny: What?
Dangerous Done: You search the world, looking for folks who are unlucky. Just naturally unlucky. Born losers.
Johnny: And then. . . . . ?
Dangerous Don: You sign them up! Get them to sign some kind of credit default swap. Get them to bet against you.
Johnny: How do you get them to sign?
Dangerous Don: Tell them they're "sophisticated investors". Some kind of garbage like that.
Johnny: Anybody called me a "sophisticated investor" and I'd check my wallet. Make sure it's still there.
Dangerous Don: Fortunately for the industry, for every street-smart guy like yourself, there's fifty idiots.
Johnny: That bad?
Dangerous Don: That good! There's so much Stupid Money out there, it's unreal! The SEC ought to just give up. Throw in the towel.
Johnny: Throw in the towel?
Dangerous Don: Deep in their guts, these people want to be cheated. No point trying to protect them.
Tana Marie: Don, maybe you could tell the folks a little about my job?
Dangerous Don: Absolutely! Love to! Folks, my lovely wife Tana Marie is an Account Designer. . . .
Tana Marie: Account Decorator.
Dangerous Don: Account Decorator. At the Shazam Bank. . . .
Tana Marie: Shazam Bank and Casino.
Dangerous Don: Shazam Bank and Casino. They added tables a couple of months ago, right? Blackjack?
Tana Marie: We've got blackjack and Texas Hold ‘Em. Plus 10 slot machines. All in our lobby. . . . . .
Johnny: All the banks have gambling now. To stay competitive. . . . .
Tana Marie: But we're not like a real huge casino or anything.
Johnny: All the banks have gambling now. To stay competitive. . . . .
Tana Marie: But we're not like a real huge casino or anything.
Johnny: Plus you've got foreign exchange betting. . . .
Tana Marie: Right. You can bet on FOREX. All you do is pick out some currency. Say, the euro. And then you bet whether it will go up or down. . . . . against some other currency.
Johnny: Up or down. . . . as of the end of that day, right?
Tana Marie: Oh no, no! As of the end of each minute. You bet which currency will beat out the other currency over the next minute.
Johnny: I like all those Bloomberg FOREX monitors you’ve got in the bank lobby. Pretty fancy stuff.
Tana Marie: People love them.
Johnny: Gives these poor suckers betting foreign currencies the idea they’re actually in control.
Tana Marie: And don't forget, we have our "Double-or-Half" Savings Accounts.
Dangerous Don: How's that work?
Tana Marie: At Shazam, about 15,000 people have this kind of account. Every month, the bank picks out two people, two account-holders. Completely at random. One person has their account balance doubled. The other person has theirs cut in half. . . .
Dangerous Don: Wow! Double your money! Bet that's pretty popular!
Tana Marie: That's right. Lots of people. So. . . . . don't forget, there's a lucky winner every month!
Tana Marie: And don't forget, we have our "Double-or-Half" Savings Accounts.
Dangerous Don: How's that work?
Tana Marie: At Shazam, about 15,000 people have this kind of account. Every month, the bank picks out two people, two account-holders. Completely at random. One person has their account balance doubled. The other person has theirs cut in half. . . .
Dangerous Don: Wow! Double your money! Bet that's pretty popular!
Tana Marie: That's right. Lots of people. So. . . . . don't forget, there's a lucky winner every month!
Dangerous Don: So. . . . Tana Marie. . . . tell us what an Account Decorator does.
Tana Marie: Well, whenever you go online to look at the money in your bank account, you want to see everything all neat and orderly, right?
Dangerous Don: Absolutely!
Tana Marie: So, that’s our first responsibility. To make sure the stacks of bills and coins are all neat. People don’t want to see just a jumble of coins all over the floor.
Dangerous Don: That's important. That first impression. The visual look of your bank account.
Tana Marie: Exactly. Especially the coins. We’ve got to keep the coins stacked up neatly.
Dangerous Don: So. . . . . what's the decorating part. . . . ?
Tana Marie: Well, many people want more than just a neat-looking bank account. That’s where I come in. People want that little box where their money is to have carpeting. Wallpaper. Drapes. Miniature furniture.
Dangerous Don: So. . . . you can make it so your bank account has kind of a home of its own?
Tana Marie: Exactly. And we can color-coordinate everything that’s inside the box. People love putting these little miniature chairs and sofas in between the stacks of dollar bills.
Dangerous Don: Real homey. . . .
Tana Marie: People love it. Some people even put in little miniature windows along the wall. Fake windows, of course. . . .
Dangerous Don: Just like. . . .
Tana Marie: Some people put these little stuffed animals inside their box, to “guard” their money.
Dangerous Don: Just like. . . . .
Tana Marie: One time, a counter-party came in. . . .
Johnny: A counter-party?
Tana Marie: That’s what banks have to call our customers now.
Dangerous Don: That’s right. Banks can’t call their customers "customers" anymore, right?
Tana Marie: The lawyers made us do it.
Johnny: Counter-party! Oh my god! What are we coming to?
Tana Marie: Fact is, starting next month, we're not even supposed to call it a "bank" anymore.
Dangerous Don: You call it a. . . . . . ?
Tana Marie: Money Bazaar.
Johnny: Bizarre?
Dangerous Don: Interesting. . . . .
Tana Marie: Fact is, starting next month, we're not even supposed to call it a "bank" anymore.
Dangerous Don: You call it a. . . . . . ?
Tana Marie: Money Bazaar.
Johnny: Bizarre?
Dangerous Don: Interesting. . . . .
Tana Marie: Anyway. . . . this one lady came in with photographs of her living room. She wanted us to duplicate everything in her living room. Even little miniature lamps. . .
Dangerous Don: What can I say? Takes all kinds.
Johnny: More on that next time, right Don? And next time, we’ll find out the reason why banks now have to call their customers “counter-parties”, right Don?
Dangerous Don: Correcto, my friend. Once again, folks, we are out of time. So. . . . see you all next time. . . . .
Tana Marie: Bye bye!
Dangerous Don: Stay tuned to the MACHO INVESTING blog! Believe me, you are going to make a TON of money!
Tana Marie: Bye bye!
Dangerous Don: Stay tuned to the MACHO INVESTING blog! Believe me, you are going to make a TON of money!
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